This is “Depression” for ME!

So many wasted years, I used to be fun, funny, thinner , happy, optimistic, silver lining kind of person.  What happened to that ‘Brenda’?  She wasn’t strong, or old enough, to stand up for herself, and got bullied into a place she couldn’t get herself out of, and still can’t.

When I got divorced, I took a while to find proper housing for me and my teen daughter, we went through tough stuff together, and because of my depression I shared too much and she saw my sadness, and tried to fix it for me, oh how I know that so well.  When my mom died when I was 10, I too tried to fix things for my dad and older brother, so they would be OK.  No one took care of me!  Then I got a new family at 11 and that didn’t work out so well either.  I continued being an adult trying to fix this new family, to no avail.  So my next bright move was to get married, to get out of this messy family and make my own, so at the tender age of 17, I got married.  Now in hindsight, not one of my better ideas, but as no one was parenting me at the time I felt this might get me out of a bad situation; I was wrong!

So at age 41 after 4 children and 24 years of marriage, I left.  I did one thing right before I left, I went for counselling and found out I wasn’t such a bad person after all. I raised my daughter as best I could, I knew I wasn’t doing as well as I would have liked, but I found us affordable housing, had a fairly good job for the time.  Then things changed in the mid ’90’s, I was downsized out of work, finding full time work was not like in the 70’s I ran out of UI, had to go on Welfare, for a time ,  I was diagnosed with depression.  Whew that was a tough few years!  Well here I am I find myself retired, lonely, and at a place in life I never wanted to be.  I live in a tiny apartment, subsidized by the Gov’t., that makes me crazy, it is too small and I have too much stuff.  I find many days that I am unable to face the predicament I have put myself in.

Each day is like a present I get to open, some days it is full of fun, or nice things to do!  Some days I don’t open it ’til late in the day, because I just couldn’t get out of bed, so that one is a disappointment, not the gift just me, I am a disappointment to myself.  Days I don’t do anything productive with my apartment are days I tend to overeat, oh yeah did I forget to mention I am obese and very dissatisfied with  how I have turned out!?  So many days right now I feel like everybody hates me, nobody loves me, might as well go eat worms, kinda day!  I find it hard to believe Anyone could love who I have become.  I try, but it is a challenge everyday to do something, anything, I am so unhappy with where I live, how I live, and that I have no choices I can afford to make my life better.

Depression for me is a vicious circle, I feel happy and do some good things, then I want to celebrate, but because I am alone,  I have a treat!  I have a disappointment in life, because of finances, I eat to make myself feel better!  I feel overwhelmed with all I should do, so I do nothing and eat just to have something that feels good! Then I hate myself for eating poorly, feel depressed and, you guessed it, eat!  No one to heal the loneliness, nothing to make me proud, although, when I do clean out a closet, or sort something out I feel good, for a time.  Loneliness is the hardest and most difficult time for me, I go on dating sites, but doubt sincerity from those on line, and so far no match yet!  Maybe one day eh?

I have my Faith and that is good!  I pray for others and when I see them doing better, I feel good, maybe the Lord listens to my supplications for others, and that is good. I do not feel my wants or needs are worthy of a Yes from above, yet.  I have had a big disappointment finding out I cannot afford to buy a trailer to live in, a lovely little home to call my own.  A place with more room and, my own, not under someone else’s watchful eye.  Today has been a bad day for tears and feeling unwanted, who knows why?  Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine and I will be able to get outside and putter in my garden..,which I love, or rest on my garden swing.  Tomorrow is a new day, let’s see what is in the present!

So this is how I really feel,  today.

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