Not just Blue

I don’t need flowers or lovely cards,

it’s just that depression can be so hard.

I want to be happy, productive and fun,

I like to be the jolly one.

I used to be full of joy and laughter.

If only I could explain what’s the matter.

If only I knew what’s happened to me,

where the joy went, where my happiness has gone,

It’s been so long I’ve tried to overcome this disease,

But it does what it wants, takes over my life if you please.

I find my brain just doesn’t want to cooperate,

So many bad choices it has caused me to make.

So much enjoyment I’ve lost to the blues.

I have seeked counselling, paid my dues.

But each time my mind takes a turn for the worst,

I loose my joy,. my head wants to burst.

I need some help, someone who can try to see,

Someone who understands me.

This is not a choice I made long ago,

there is a lacking in chemicals in my mind, this I know.

Drugs try to replace them, so I’ll be better,

But so many say, ‘I just don’t get her’.

Suck it up, pick yourself up and make progress,

Believe me I really try my best.

When dark clouds hang over my head,

I look for the sun, silver lining, a way to clear my head.

If it were only as easy as it used to be,

Back in the days when I was surrounded by family.

Loneliness, takes it’s toll

Makes it hard to find peace for the soul.

A New Year should be a chance to renew hope.

I can’t seem to organize myself, I feel like a dope!

Advertisements

darkness part of the season

Well we’ve fallen back, so has my mood

Darkness falls, sooner than later.

I find I’ve failed again in a goal I had set

I lost my mother, before I could learn.

My stepmom was busy, with many upsets,

I grew under anger and unhappy times.

I married young, wanted a family of my own.

I thought I could do it, but I thought I’d have help,

I raised my children in a Christian home,

I prayed with them and for them, I thought I’d do OK

I stayed home to nurture and teach them the way,

But that wasn’t enough, when I myself was distraught.

Words, only words so many say, it injures the soul,

Leaves no marks on the body for others to see.

The soul unfortunately heals slowly, an eternity.

S0 time passes, wise Dr’s offer help to the inside

no one else sees, but it takes so long

sometimes brings me to my knees.

Winter brings darkness, cold and Some Holiday cheer

But to those who are sad, that sometimes is too much.

When so few understand how depression feels

And it isn’t easy to explain, when I don’t know myself.

So as I sit here trying to express,

I find that the words  come less and less.

I want to fix all of the mess

But I am not sure how, I guess.

I wish there was a wand I could wave,

that would explain all the brain waves

That I can’t give a cause, why I did,

some of the things I did.

How to explain them and make those hurt

understand my ordeal, so I could make it all better

help others to see how I feel, maybe then

they could understand and forgive!

Thanksgiving

What a beautiful time of year,

A time before Christmas to give Thanks and Cheer.

Leaves of many colours for us to enjoy,

Like the ‘coat of may colours’ worn by a little boy,

Thanks and praises, songs to sing to show Our Heavenly Father our Joy.

Days of crisp fresh mornings and clear starry nights.

A time to trim our gardens and prepare for twinkling lights.

Joy comes easy in days of bright sun and amazing colour,

Turkey and goodies , like pie made by our mother.

Mother Earth takes a break from growing

And soon ends our time of mowing

Fall winds bring colourful leaves  floating down,

Fall fairs come to our town.

Abundance is around us; so many things,

Choirs and everyone praises sing.

Children at school are in full swing at last,

Thankful for all the blessings from the bountiful past.

It is such a happy time of year,

A time for thoughtful reminiscing for all the good things so near,

A time to offer to God and our Fellow Man,

A helpful blessing of all that’s good in our land.

This is “Depression” for ME!

So many wasted years, I used to be fun, funny, thinner , happy, optimistic, silver lining kind of person.  What happened to that ‘Brenda’?  She wasn’t strong, or old enough, to stand up for herself, and got bullied into a place she couldn’t get herself out of, and still can’t.

When I got divorced, I took a while to find proper housing for me and my teen daughter, we went through tough stuff together, and because of my depression I shared too much and she saw my sadness, and tried to fix it for me, oh how I know that so well.  When my mom died when I was 10, I too tried to fix things for my dad and older brother, so they would be OK.  No one took care of me!  Then I got a new family at 11 and that didn’t work out so well either.  I continued being an adult trying to fix this new family, to no avail.  So my next bright move was to get married, to get out of this messy family and make my own, so at the tender age of 17, I got married.  Now in hindsight, not one of my better ideas, but as no one was parenting me at the time I felt this might get me out of a bad situation; I was wrong!

So at age 41 after 4 children and 24 years of marriage, I left.  I did one thing right before I left, I went for counselling and found out I wasn’t such a bad person after all. I raised my daughter as best I could, I knew I wasn’t doing as well as I would have liked, but I found us affordable housing, had a fairly good job for the time.  Then things changed in the mid ’90’s, I was downsized out of work, finding full time work was not like in the 70’s I ran out of UI, had to go on Welfare, for a time ,  I was diagnosed with depression.  Whew that was a tough few years!  Well here I am I find myself retired, lonely, and at a place in life I never wanted to be.  I live in a tiny apartment, subsidized by the Gov’t., that makes me crazy, it is too small and I have too much stuff.  I find many days that I am unable to face the predicament I have put myself in.

Each day is like a present I get to open, some days it is full of fun, or nice things to do!  Some days I don’t open it ’til late in the day, because I just couldn’t get out of bed, so that one is a disappointment, not the gift just me, I am a disappointment to myself.  Days I don’t do anything productive with my apartment are days I tend to overeat, oh yeah did I forget to mention I am obese and very dissatisfied with  how I have turned out!?  So many days right now I feel like everybody hates me, nobody loves me, might as well go eat worms, kinda day!  I find it hard to believe Anyone could love who I have become.  I try, but it is a challenge everyday to do something, anything, I am so unhappy with where I live, how I live, and that I have no choices I can afford to make my life better.

Depression for me is a vicious circle, I feel happy and do some good things, then I want to celebrate, but because I am alone,  I have a treat!  I have a disappointment in life, because of finances, I eat to make myself feel better!  I feel overwhelmed with all I should do, so I do nothing and eat just to have something that feels good! Then I hate myself for eating poorly, feel depressed and, you guessed it, eat!  No one to heal the loneliness, nothing to make me proud, although, when I do clean out a closet, or sort something out I feel good, for a time.  Loneliness is the hardest and most difficult time for me, I go on dating sites, but doubt sincerity from those on line, and so far no match yet!  Maybe one day eh?

I have my Faith and that is good!  I pray for others and when I see them doing better, I feel good, maybe the Lord listens to my supplications for others, and that is good. I do not feel my wants or needs are worthy of a Yes from above, yet.  I have had a big disappointment finding out I cannot afford to buy a trailer to live in, a lovely little home to call my own.  A place with more room and, my own, not under someone else’s watchful eye.  Today has been a bad day for tears and feeling unwanted, who knows why?  Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine and I will be able to get outside and putter in my garden..,which I love, or rest on my garden swing.  Tomorrow is a new day, let’s see what is in the present!

So this is how I really feel,  today.

Angel needed

All I’ve ever wanted to be was “White Trailer Trash”!

Now my chance has arrived, all I need is the “Cash”.

Funny that here in Canada the Great.

Loans, mortgages, for mobile homes, the Banks will not make!

Though they make Profits, ‘hand over fist’.

For those who want affordable housing, you can only wish.

No money for ‘seniors, or low income folks

This to the Bank is only a joke.

So I have found the home of my dreams,

A two bedroom trailer, but not possible it seems.

So now what I need is an Angel, to support my dreams.

Who might take a chance to offer a mortgage or loan,

To help a single, senior lady buy a “Home”.

A place to find peace… to live out my days.

Where I own a place, where dogs and grandchildren can play.

On the grass, in the pond, in my spacious abode.

I have had an “angel” help me before.

I payed it all back and a little bit more.

So it is not charity I am looking for,

Just a chance to do what the BANKS abhor,

Buy a little piece of heaven here on earth.

Just to prove to myself I still have some worth!

Ruth

Ruth my friend has left us all,
While she was here, we had a ball.
I tagged alone just for fun,
We travelled South, to enjoy the sun.
We went to Wingham, to visit my folks.
We laughed, we hugged,we told some jokes,
We’d go on drives, to nowhere specific,
Our times together, were always terrific.
Her jam was great, and quite a treat.
She baked peanut butter cookies,like her they were always sweet.
Oh sometimes she would be cranky,
But watch her close,she’d get into “Hanky Panky”.
To me she was my “Nudder Mudder”
And as time flew by I found no other.
So now she’s gone, another great friend,
Our hearts will heal,our souls will mend.
Our time on earth, will never seem like enough.
Our heart’s healing time…well it will be tough.
So,- so long Ruthie, ’til we meet again,
I hope by then our hearts’ will mend.

To my good Friend Ruth Armbruster.

Today was Ruth’s funeral, this is what I said. I will miss her!

DEPRESSED!!

Well let’s see, I had an almost  perfect trip to Cuba, my home away from home.  Don’t want to get into the why of the (almost) perfect trip.. let’s just say, shouldn’t (there I go again shoulding on myself) have taken someone new to my paradise.  After 4 days-Problem solved… the next week was Perfect.

So now, how do I start?  Well as depression gets a new hold on my life, yet again, I am working on getting “over it”, or “just dealing with it!” as one must.  Again the “lovely” tenants of my Seniors Regional Housing apartment building, have found yet another annoying thing- that makes me happy , makes them miserable, and I must change!!  Yep that’s how it goes here.  I have a lovely rock garden around the tree in front of my window, a lovely spring garden that is in full bloom, with daffodils, Hyacinth, red tulips, little purple violets, and another purple flower I do not know the name of.  I love the sparkling Christmas balls I have had in the tree for 2 years now, winter and summer, they sparkle like sun on water and the large disco balls, sparkle like fireflies on the wall outside my apartment, and sometimes come into my room like “tinkerbells” flying around.  Yeah I know it doesn’t take much to make me happy, 🙂 .

But… My joy has again upset some miserable old lady, she hates anything shiny – so according to the Warden, I must remove said balls from THEIR trees.  I lost it, poor Slave lady who must deliver the news to me.  I heard this was  to be the case when I came home from minor surgery last Wed.  I was not impressed, but I WAS ready to fight for my “Balls”, as anyone would be!

So Wed. April 22 was “B” day so to speak.  KNOCK- KNOCK – I answer door to be told “the balls MUST come down”  the lady some 50 feet away across the courtyard, has lodged a complaint, these shiny balls blind her, shine in her apartment and stop her enjoyment of the courtyard.  Well I have checked the situation out and find that standing on her patio, looking across the courtyard, I can indeed see balls shining in the sun, I do NOT however find a blinding light emitting from said balls.  If one chooses to sit and look across said courtyard, one would indeed be able to enjoy a little sparkle high in the tree, when the sun shines on these magic balls. I argue far to vehemently, I am sure, to save “MY BALLS”, but  to no avail.  I let my anger of the unfairness of this get to me, cause me to yell at “poor wardens assistant” way too loud, way to heated, and bordering on “CRAZY”  oops slipped into ‘why are some people sooooooo mean and spiteful ?  Why do mean people have to ruin stuff for others? Why do I need to be surrounded by STUPID, NO COMMON SENSE, DUMB ASSES?”  And to top it all of we have NO COMMON SENSE REGIONAL PUPPETS who cannot tell the difference from logical and serious complaints, or issues, from whining, spoiled, mealy mouth Bitches, who just want to make others as miserable as they are.  The “lady”, I use this term lightly,who lodged this complaint never opens her curtains ANYTIME more than 18 inches, never comes out on her patio, or into the courtyard, she does not sit out anytime… and yet her enjoyment of the courtyard is more important than mine.  She does not garden, nor does she have anything , and I mean NOTHING outside her apartment to improve the look of her area.

Now we are told to “Make your apartment your home” your patio is yours also, but the “courtyard” is for everyone to enjoy!  I should tell you that the People who use the “courtyard” and there are 4 of us out of 12 who face this green area who sit out on a Regular basis, myself and my nextdoor neighbour have lovely gardens, we have outdoor seating, I have a swing,for 4+  years we  had a nice white lattice fence between us for our dogs.  We cut the grass and maintained “our yard” better than ‘housing’ did for the rest of the courtyard.  We cut our grass as needed, not just once a week.  We had to take down the fence after 3 new people moved in last summer, No explanation, just do it!

I will feel better soon, I have no choice cause I am still alive.  Others who do not understand will call me a whiner!   I have had to deal with depression and the ups and downs for so long.  I often wish I had saved more and could afford a little home, I often wished I could be ‘white trailer trash’ with a nice little trailer here in Ont.  and one somewhere warm to go to in the winter.  But no lottery winnings yet, no rich relatives to leave me millions, so I just wait for a time in life when all will be OK again… and it will!

So ends this ‘let me tell u how I really feel’ rant.  I might get dressed, later (it is 2:41).  What for?  I break out in tears too easily yet today.  I’m not going anywhere, so… well we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.  Give thanks, forgive, move on.

Previous Older Entries